By: Susanne Blumenstein

Over the years, my own journey toward self-love has been a constant rollercoaster. I found love for myself, and then I lost it. I lost myself in relationships, dated guys who ignored my needs, only to recover my connection to myself again when I was single. Self-love was like a key that I constantly misplaced, especially in relationships. It was tiring, and it took me a long time to understand what was truly going on and what I needed to do.

Right now, I still have ups and downs, but as I know what to do, I find my way back to self-love in the blink of an eye. I look at myself with curiosity, and I no longer label my personal challenges as weaknesses, such as my forgetfulness; I now call them my "special effects" in a kind and loving way. I embrace my knobbly nose and my slightly thin hair. It's what makes me unique. Let me share with you how I developed sustainable self-love for the long term.

Cultivate Loving Awareness

Only when I was able to see with loving eyes what was happening did I start to change. My daily 30-minute meditation practice helped me become aware of my critical inner voice. This voice often said, 'Are you stupid?' or 'Look at your butt, how awful it looks!' Even worse, back then, I believed that voice. And then I got angry because of that voice, adding another layer of angry thoughts on top of the critical ones. It was a vicious cycle that I needed to break. What would you say to a small child when they criticize themselves? I guess you would give them a hug and offer some kind words. That is what I started doing, while picturing myself as that little child.

Never forget: this critical voice is just a voice that offers you an option, and not reality. Loving awareness is the hardest part of all, and it will require a lot of practice. Have you ever tried to learn a new language? Learning self-love is similar. Let's say that you've been fluent in 'criticizing yourself' so far, and now you are learning a new language, called 'loving yourself.' It will take time, and sometimes you will slip back into old patterns. This brings us to the second point.

Practice Patience

Focus on progress instead of perfection. Celebrate every time you catch your inner critical voice. Remember, you can only change what you can see. I speak from experience. The main reason it took me so long to develop more consistent self-love in the long term was because I expected fast and immediate results. But for how long have you been cultivating your inner critical voice?

Analyze the Causes

Every behavior and every emotion serves a certain need. Your body and your mind should work for you, not against you. Problematic situations will come back to you over and over again until you learn from them. But to solve your problem, you must understand the purpose the problem serves. In my case, I could clearly see that I tended to lose myself every time I was in a relationship. The pattern kept repeating itself. My inner question was: What would happen if I were 100% myself? There I found it: I was afraid of being rejected. In other words, I thought the only way to receive and keep love was to be like the one who loved me. Why did I need that love so deeply? Because I did not know how to love myself. That is exactly why I became dependent on somebody else's love.

Visualize & Practice Constantly

I invite you to see thoughts as a house's blueprint. If you want a new house, you will need a fresh building plan. If you want a new you, you will need new thoughts. But how do you get them? Start by studying some role models. Are there people in your surroundings that you admire for their beautiful and constant self-loving behavior? What do they do differently than you? How do they think differently from you? I personally studied every self-loving person around me. Then I sat down every morning and visualized myself being self-loving throughout the day in all the details, until I felt the love in my heart. I pictured my actions, my feelings, and my thoughts. I prepared myself mentally for difficult situations by asking myself what a self-loving person would do in that instance. I started to live self-love every moment of the day. Before I took any action in a day, I paused and asked myself: What do I want? What will feel good? What do I need now? What is the most self-loving way to act? I committed myself to welcome all of my answers and act upon them, no matter what.

Commit Fully

The brain hates changes. Your comfort zone is the only safe place it wants to be. The rest, the new, is uncertainty, therefore, possible danger. The brain cannot differentiate what is imaginary and what is not. The trigger will arise every time you try something new. Your mind will be 100% committed to talking you out of a new experience. My mind, for example, loved telling me, 'Loving yourself more is egoistic. You will end up alone.' Your head will try to find your weak spot to get you back into old behaviors; be prepared for that. The only way to get past that is to be 100% committed to change and be willing to do whatever it takes to be more loving to yourself; otherwise, your old mind will win.

Focus on Others

A good way to ensure your commitment is focusing on others. I realized that I can only love people around me to the extent that I love myself. When you are critical of yourself, you will be critical of others or of your surroundings. Try to analyze it and gently guide yourself to be kind to them, which will only benefit you. How you treat others is always a reflection of how you treat yourself. It hurt me so much to see how I used to criticize my loved ones. I wanted to give more love, but I had to feel more love toward myself first.

Go through these steps, and the changes will come. Not overnight, but little by little. Stay patient on the journey. And never forget: You already have a partner for life – yourself. Make this relationship a priority, and the rest of your life will keep flourishing."